Save your soul tonight...
There is a place I've never been to before, a psychoactive location. And when I was there, It wasn't euphoria... but it wasn't pain. It was ascension.
If you imagine your emotions as a wheel, representing in a spectrum of colors, there are two ends... but they connect each other to the circle. The deepest sadness can roll right into pure happiness. I was spinning on this wheel, from one memory to another. Not in a nostalgic way, but an analytical one.
It was an out of body experience, seclusion of my objective mind. As I rolled right through each feeling, it made me realize a lot of things. Specific thoughts, some lost until this moment, attached themselves to each emotion.
I thought about the darkness I see in other people's eyes. I thought about whether or not this perception is my own darkness. I thought about all of the things I've done, and there were a lot of defining moments. I've let a lot of things go... and I've lost a lot more. But when I saw them from this angle, I realized that I can never let them go. No matter how much I want to ignore or release myself, I can't. The tighter my stomach clenches when I try to fall asleep... the more I need to strangle it out.
I realized this past week that I will have the same isolating, ice-cold loneliness following me for my entire life. Whether or not I can shrug off the chill is whether or not I can find a way to. I broke, utterly collapsed inside.
And now I'm expected to painstakingly rebuild myself and show it as a small feat, because that's what everyone's expected to do. We're expected to let things go.
I can never let anything go. And while before it was only a fear, now it feels like reality. I saw the chains, I picked and pulled on connections that can never be broken, as one-sided and introverted as they may be. I saw these fetters... and I had never felt more apathetic towards my own life.
It's that feeling deep in your heart, of aimless hope waiting for something, anything... to save you. But I live in a world where there is only spite for sadness, I live in a world I loathe.
If you imagine your emotions as a wheel, representing in a spectrum of colors, there are two ends... but they connect each other to the circle. The deepest sadness can roll right into pure happiness. I was spinning on this wheel, from one memory to another. Not in a nostalgic way, but an analytical one.
It was an out of body experience, seclusion of my objective mind. As I rolled right through each feeling, it made me realize a lot of things. Specific thoughts, some lost until this moment, attached themselves to each emotion.
I thought about the darkness I see in other people's eyes. I thought about whether or not this perception is my own darkness. I thought about all of the things I've done, and there were a lot of defining moments. I've let a lot of things go... and I've lost a lot more. But when I saw them from this angle, I realized that I can never let them go. No matter how much I want to ignore or release myself, I can't. The tighter my stomach clenches when I try to fall asleep... the more I need to strangle it out.
I realized this past week that I will have the same isolating, ice-cold loneliness following me for my entire life. Whether or not I can shrug off the chill is whether or not I can find a way to. I broke, utterly collapsed inside.
And now I'm expected to painstakingly rebuild myself and show it as a small feat, because that's what everyone's expected to do. We're expected to let things go.
I can never let anything go. And while before it was only a fear, now it feels like reality. I saw the chains, I picked and pulled on connections that can never be broken, as one-sided and introverted as they may be. I saw these fetters... and I had never felt more apathetic towards my own life.
It's that feeling deep in your heart, of aimless hope waiting for something, anything... to save you. But I live in a world where there is only spite for sadness, I live in a world I loathe.
posted by Anonymous at 10:47 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home