Waiting for something that'll never arrive...

To "win" life, you must take what's "yours", sieze what you deem necessary.

Every aspect of our modern lives is based on manipulating our surroundings. You date a girl, you'd better know what to say and what not to say. People have taken behavior itself and turned it into an open market. We live in a very sick world. To know that everything you see in front of you is manipulated by someone else... what's left?

I have a hard time believing that many people value the weight of an idea. Society is filled with stray cats that will eat whatever is left out for them. In carving my own path, I noticed how uniform it all is.

American Politics are a good example. It isn't about the truth, it's what is presented. Running a country like a business is degrading our sense of justice, our ideals, and our individualistic self-worth.

But life is unfair like that. Those bold enough to rape, succeed. Suck a person dry, and you're better for it; they're quickly forgotten. All you need to do is spin it correctly.

I never pretend to hold myself higher than others; I loathe a lot of things about myself. But that is what it means to be a learning, sentient thing: To grow, through hatred or sadness, through pleasure or self-destruction.

If I run my life into the ground, it's my choice. I'm called unmotivated, lazy, stupid and selfih. People who don't even know the meaning of survival look down on me for falling apart.

One night, I shot a lot of heroin. I planned to go until I couldn't, until my heart stopped. Does this make me suicidal and undeserving of life? I wanted to... because it was all I felt I had left. A part of me died, a person close to me had died recently. This was a person I had held in my heart for a long time... A strange, surreal chapter of my life. She ended her own life, and the reason why scares the hell out of me. She was in the same boat as me, in a circular current of loneliness and insanity, building up to a fatal climax. She didn't do it because she was sad, she did it because she wanted everything to stop. How far down do you have to be to adapt to this way of thinking? I certainly want the world to stop more often than not.

It's ridiculous to say that she was suicidal. She loved life... but she couldn't win. To do something so drastic just for peace of mind... I can relate.

I can never find the words to explain what she meant to me. I won't ever even understand my own feelings about her. I have a lot of things like that... a lot of insanity I've pushed down. The end result is that I know full well how valuable life is, and who the fuck wants to squander it on earthly, temporary progress? I've always been passionate about what I love. I can sharpen an idea for hours, but all I have around me is stupidity... a strain of thinking that can't appreciate what it means to fight.