Torture test...

There are three parts to this. The first was watching it happen. The second is realizing the effects of it, and watching it progress . The third is understanding why and how it has happened, and really feeling the impact from it for the first time.

When I'm nervous, I choose my words so precisely that It's almost as if I'm trying to manipulate the conversation. I always feel like there's something the other person is missing, and I have to point it out to them. I say unnecessary things, and I never know when to say the right thing. I've watched a lot of people grow tired of me....

And I tell myself, "fuck them." If there is an environment that stifles me, retards my growth, then I don't want to be there. But, I'm anxiously hopeful of someone just over the horizon.

Now, I sit here with dozens of phone numbers I've never tried to call again. All of my efforts to reconnect with anyone have been met in the same way that you'd flick off an ant crawling on your sleeve.

I feel like if I needed it, there wouldn't be anyone to stand by my side. And I don't need that; I can stand on my own. But I want it, because no matter how many people I've held up, I'm always left wounded.

And I need something more than a presence... I need something to help me look forward.